There is no single right answer, and no responsible program should tell you there is one. Contact depends on the donor's consent category, what she actually agreed to, what you are prepared to sustain, and your child's future interests. The one thing to avoid is confusing "no contact now" with guaranteed secrecy — those are different things.

Start with what the donor agreed to

Contact is only possible within the consent she gave. A directed or identified donor is already known to you. An identity-release donor has agreed that identifying information can be released under stated conditions, often when the donor-conceived person reaches a set age. A donor who was nonidentified at donation did not agree to contact, though identity may still become discoverable through DNA databases, relatives or records.

Ask the program what she consented to, in writing, and ask how that consent can be updated if her views change. Ask the same about your side: some intended parents want no contact at the start and a route open later, which is a legitimate plan if everyone understands it.

Questions worth settling now

• Is there any contact between you and the donor before or around the birth?
• Will she receive updates, and through the program or directly?
• How would a future request from your child be handled, and by whom?
• What is the channel for new medical information in either direction?
• Are donor siblings part of the picture, through a registry or otherwise?
• Who holds the records permanently if the program closes?

Write the answers down. Ten years from now the person who remembers the verbal understanding may no longer work there.

What the research does and does not say

Studies of donor-conceived people and of children in two-father surrogacy families describe curiosity about origins as ordinary. Curiosity is not rejection of parents, and interest in a donor is not a verdict on your family. These studies are small, often use volunteer samples from a few countries, and lose participants over time, so they cannot tell you what your child will want. They do suggest that supportive, age-appropriate openness travels better than avoidance.

Professional ethics guidance strongly encourages telling donor-conceived people about the fact of donor conception. Parents retain responsibility for how and when, but the direction of the guidance is clear.

Contact is a decision you revisit

Treat the contact plan as something that changes rather than a permanent setting chosen during a stressful year. A plan that works is voluntarily agreed, realistic rather than performative, revisited over time, and centered on your child without ignoring adult boundaries. It should not be conditioned on anyone posting anything publicly.

Keep the donor's role distinct from the carrier's when you talk about it at home. The egg donor contributed genetic material; the gestational carrier carried and gave birth; parents are the people responsible for the child's care and belonging. Children handle several roles well when the roles are named clearly. Telling your child has age-layered language for that.

Preserve the route even if you never use it

The most durable version of this decision is: keep records, keep the door respectfully open, and let your child decide later. Store the donor profile and consent category, medical and family history, the carrier-screening panel and version, clinic records and any updates. Our egg donor guide covers what to ask for before the cycle, when it is easy to get. After the cycle it rarely is.